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Fri, Jan. 27th, 2006, 12:50 pm

Just had an outdoors session in my "Canadian Winter" class. We spent the last three hours out in the freezing minus 18 weather! COLD! And I'm so tired now, I have another outdoors class in an hour and I don't think I can manage another trek in the cold with my big heavy boots and snowpants. My legs hurt.

I'm so hungry, but I don't want to eat more....I just had a big greek salad with dressing. I would've been okay with an apple or pear, but I forgot to bring some. Bummer.

I'm shaking cause my bloodsugars are low. And I have a headache. Pretty soon, I'll feel sick to my stomach and will have to eat so I don't pass out. Blah. Stupid stupid bloodsuagars.

My classmate was watching me eat my salad at the break. Like staring...cause my hands were shaking so much. lol.

Thu, Jan. 26th, 2006, 02:24 pm

I hate school. If I don't eat enough, I totally lose my brain. So I have to eat for school. As it is, everything is just going way over my head.

And what should I get Jon for V-Day? Chocolate is boring. I can't get something sexy or suggestive cause we're not sleeping together until we get married. Teddy Bears are silly. He's not the kind of guy for flowers. What is left, considering money is tight as well?!

Awww...cute. My pup just got all tangled up in a scarf and wimpering for help. lol...I'd better go rescue him.

Sun, Jan. 15th, 2006, 11:51 am

I am so mad and hurting so badly right now.

My dad is mentally ill, but won't get help, so the rest of the family has to suffer. I've suffered for too long, 20 years too long. He has taught me, my entire life, that I am a nobody, that I am worthless and never good enough, that I am fat and dumb. He has never shown me the love that a father should.

He is starting to teach my very sensitive little brother the same things and it makes me mad. Nobody deserves that! He is slowing killing my mom, who had a break down many years ago and has been sick ever since. She is such an amazing woman, so strong. She keeps this family together. W/O her, I would be long gone, or dead. Last night, the two of us cried for hours. My other brother has learn to shut out all emotion so that he doesn't have to hurt. I wish I could do that.

Things have been going well for the past 4 or so months. Last night, it's all back to hell-life.

My fiance, Jon, picked me up for church this morning. I was obviously upset, but he doesn't even ask. I've been a little depressed lately anyways, but I know that I looked extremely upset, more than ever, ever. I had just been crying and I know he knew. So in the middle of church, he asks whats wrong. I just told him that if I talked about it then, that I would cry and I couldn't do that in the middle of church.

We had plans today, we were cooking dinner for the family and having a couple friends over tonight. I told him that I needed to go home straight away b/c my mom doesn't want my brothers left alone with my dad. So Jon says he needs to go home and change, but he'll drop me off at home. I was crying as I left the car, but he didn't ask. He always cares when I'm upset, always...but not today.

I sat at home, waiting and crying, really needing him. And he never shows. After three hours, I call his mom, only to find out that he went with his friend to the gym. We always hang out on Sundays, and we even had plans with other ppl tonight! We see each other almost every day, but have been apart for sometime, so you'd think he'd be anxious to see me.

I don't get why he ditched me. This man is normally so careing and sensitive and kind. He always is there for me, he loves to be with me. Why did he leave? He didnt even call me to say that he changed plans. Why now, when I need him more than I ever have? I already feel worthless, he just made it worse. Now I'm so much more hurt and angry. My rock just melted. I knew he was too good to be true.

I need him right now. I can't call my dad for comfort, cause he's most of the problem. I can't call my mom, she's working the elections and can't take phone calls. I have no friends to call. I'm so hurt! I feel like I'm dying, I feel like I'm broken. Every man has just abandoned and hurt me and I have no where to go.

I feel like I should give him the ring back. But I dont want to do something on impluse. But he's hurt me badly twice, in in the last four weeks. He tells me that he loves me so much, but this doesn't feel like love. This feels like he doesn't care about me. Confirms my worthlessness.

Nobody will read this anyways. I'm a loser. I'm losing everything that ever mattered. Nothing matters. I hate myself, I hate life, I hate my dad, I hate love.

Fri, Jan. 13th, 2006, 01:04 pm

Because I am depressed, I am making poor Jon depressed. I'm sorry hun! I can't help it. Another point to add to the "Jess is a loser" list:

-I have no friends, like none.
-I have no hobbies.
-I am not good at anything.
-I am fat.
-I am depressed.
-I made my fiance depressed.
-I am nothing.
-Nothing defines me.
-I hate school.
-My car is dying.
-I'm broke.
-I got my first C grade last semester. (normally get As and Bs)

I want to disappear.

Jon's friend brought over his girlfriend the other day to go in the hot tub with us. I hate wearing a bathingsuit because it shows all the bad stuff. To make it worse, this guys girlfriend is sooo skinny...like I used to be. I hate being with girls like that because I look twice as bad. I was so jealous. I couldn't help wondering what was going through Jon's head that night. I know he loves me a lot, but, hello, he's a guy. I don't even compare to this girl!

I want to disappear!

Thu, Jan. 12th, 2006, 05:15 pm

Burned almost 1,000 calories at the gym on the treadmill & eliptical, and I also did a lot of weights.

Tue, Jan. 10th, 2006, 10:58 am
Today's Food

-Protein power and frozen fruit slushy/shake
-1 Apple
-Ham, swiss, mustard on a bun

Tue, Jan. 10th, 2006, 10:43 am

Last night I told my cousin that I was going to start "dieting" again. To say a final good-bye to recovery, we went out to Jack Assters for dinner.

It's kind of a ritual, to get really really full and then fast the next day to remind yourself how painful and gross it is to feel that full and how nice it is to be hungry.

Works wonders for my willpower, to jump start my mind to love hunger again.


Fri, Apr. 15th, 2005, 01:54 pm
Just venting

I'm so confused. One moment our relationship is fine. Then he'll say something that makes me unsure. I was stupid and told him I loved him...it's been about 1 1/2 months since we started dating. He said it back. Now he wrote an email saying how it's too soon to be saying that even though he does love me. Then he says that he said it cause he didnt want me to feel bad if he didnt say it back. He doesn't want to lead me on in case things don't work...then in the same sentence, he says "I think this will work out." I'm so confused. So many contradictions.
And I work alot, so normally when I have a night off (like tonight), he jumps at the chance to be with me. So at the end of his letter, he says something like, "so anyways, I think I'm hanging out with dan tonight...you can probablly hang out with us too." Maybe I'm not comfortable hanging out with a person I don't know...especially when he just said something like the love thing, that hurt a bit, and I'm feeling awkward about our relationship. I don't want to be stuck at home on a Friday night, but I don't feel comfortable with meeting his friends when I'm hurt at him.
I'm so frusterated too because all of a sudden, he's drinking beer and smoking and he's always told me that he doesn't like that kind of stuff and that he's glad I don't do anything like that. I don't know what to think. I really like him, but why is this so hard, damn it!!

Fri, Apr. 8th, 2005, 10:21 am

So I'm fat. I hate being on the Pill. It should be called Binge Pill or something! Yuk.

Sun, Apr. 3rd, 2005, 02:51 pm

Today is gross:

-2 pots of tea with sweetner
-a portion of cheese and ham fritatta
-1 baked apple with cinnimon
-a bunch of fingerfuls of maple sugar spread
-1 peanutbutter chocolate egg thing from Easter
-1 portion of McCains double chocolate cake

Way too much food. I better not eat anything at work tonight!! I probablly will because I suck.

skipped back 10