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Sun, Feb. 19th, 2006, 12:20 pm

Love makes you fat. I hate that it's so true, for me at least. Starving takes a lot of self-hate. I'm too distracted with love and being happy to hate myself right now. I can't get fat, but I can't lose my love.

We just made lunch together. French toast with light cool-whip, strawberries. blueberries and an egg each. I don't know why I ate it all. I did it cause we were doing it together and it was fun. Too bad that fun equals fat.

I lost one pound though. Even with the chocolate and crap that I've been eating the last couple days. Maybe just water weight, but still...it was encouraging. I lost 5 and then got stuck, so 1 is better than nothing.

I really want to lose some weight by our anniversary, March 9th. I really want to lose a bunch of weight for our wedding, for our honeymoon. I won't be a fat wife. I don't want him to see what I look like now, under all my carefully planned clothing.

I just have to stop eating. Why do I make it so hard for myself? It's not that hard. I did it before, I did it well. Just stop eating, dammit! I can do this, I can. I can stop with this bulimia and go back to what I know is better. What I'm doing now just won't do, won't work.